Caesar Dressing

Caesar dressing is the emperor of all salad dressings. This condiment has been labeled a toga party for the taste buds. From its exquisite flavor to its seasoning, it is well-balanced and not corrupt or overpowering. Julius Caesar’s reign was short-lived, but Caesar Dressing will turn 100 years old in 2024, and there are no signs of the competition stabbing it out of existence. 

I have 23 reasons why Caesar rules the world of salad dressings. Every single reason is based on comparisons with other salad dressings.

1. Hidden Valley Ranch: How do you find it if it’s hidden? Is this stuff produced in Narnia? Is there a magic wardrobe you have to walk into?
2. French: Honestly, I’m surprised they haven’t surrendered from being on this list. Sacre Bleu!
3. Western: All Western dressing is a BBQ sauce wannabe. Although this isn’t Western’s first rodeo, Caesar Dressing wasn’t built in a day.
4. Greek salad Dressing: It is just a Vinaigrette with a toga. Besides, Caesars had gladiator fights and chariot races, which are way cooler than Aristotle debating the meaning of life.
5. Balsamic Vinaigrette: It’s just wine you put on a salad.
6. Italian Dressing: It is so good, you’ll swear Mario and Luigi invented it.
7. Green Goddess Dressing: This is the Jolly Green Giant’s imaginary girlfriend. Kermit and Piggy might look green, but Caesar is where it’s at.
8. Cilantro Lime Dressing: If you want Cilantro and lime, go to Chipotle.
9. Tahini Dressing: Sounds like a teenie bikini or something that should be shaken, not stirred.
10. Honey Mustard Dressing: Tends to be so messy you get Grey Poupon on your shirt.
11. Vinaigrette: How original. At this point, you should use Olive Oil as your salad dressing.
12. Buttermilk Herb Dressing: Anyone named Herb with the nickname Buttermilk has to be cool but no match for Caesar’s original recipe.
13. Mayonnaise: Why? Miracle Whip is much better.
14. Thousand Island Dressing: Really, one thousand islands? Does this include Gilligan’s Island? If it does, is there extra Ginger?
15. Sweet Onion Dressing: Try getting a smooch after eating this concoction.
16. Blue Cheese Dressing: Isn’t this simply a penicillin starter kit?
17. Creamy Cashew Salad Dressing: Cashew cream? I thought I’d heard everything when they came up with almond milk. How do you milk an almond?
18. Strawberry Lime Vinaigrette: AKA: Margarita Mix.
19. Maple Vinaigrette: It’s Maple syrup. It would be great if you were eating a pancake salad.
20. Raspberry Vinaigrette: I’m all for trying to switch things up, but I’d rather see a blue raspberry Icee on my salad than this garbage.  
21. Creamy Herb Paleo Salad Dressing: Do you have to hunt and gather your own lettuce from the wilderness?
22. Ginger Dijon Paleo Vinaigrette: Paleo? Paleo? Did Cavemen really eat salads? 
23. Caesar Dressing: It’s so good I’m surprised Doritos hasn’t developed a Caesar-flavored chip. 

As you can see, Caesar is the only true emperor of all salad dressings. Its reign shall live on for millenniums to come. If you want to live under Caesar’s salad reign of the Romaine Empire, start by eating a Caesar salad tonight.