I knew something was different about Alice Steman the first time I saw her speech lag while the school’s wifi ran extra slowly. When I asked her what was wrong, she stuttered, “Th-th-th- in-internet is slow…” Then, miraculously, as the internet connection improved, so did her speech and body control, and she quit galloping in circles on the volleyball court.
At that moment, I realized she was an NPC (Non-Player Character). I should have figured it out because she spends her free time raiding tombs, Lara Croft-style, and she constantly talks about her uncle’s Mario and Luigi. And if you’ve ever driven with her, it’s a live version of Crash Cart.
Alice’s mother, Christine, said with a sparkle in her eyes, “I knew Alice was an NPC when she would hear a few words and keep repeating them while staring at the dog. The other kids would learn the phrase and move on. Alice just couldn’t let it go.” It turns out she glitched from birth.
Life as an NPC has been challenging for Alice. It has made her a hit with the tech nerds. She can’t even walk by the Game Stop without getting hoots and hollers and a bunch of whistles. As if that wasn’t bad enough, there was one time when she fell and hurt herself. Instead of calling an ambulance, her parents called the Geek Squad. Fortunately, she’s on the monthly Protection Plan.
Last year, Wednesday Addam’s dance made a significant splash on the scene, but it’s nothing compared to our very own Bluejacket NPC. Alice’s dance called the Steman Pile (which repeats the same move over and over), looks like a combination of the Chicken Dance and the Heimlich Maneuver.
This volleyball season was difficult as she set a state record for net violations. Whenever the wifi malfunctioned, she would pass through the net and end up on the opponent’s side of the net. It was nearly impossible for her to serve as her power bar needed to load past 50% before she could serve.
One weird thing is that she’s often cloned and pasted in crowd shots. You can’t take a picture at a sporting event, in the cafeteria, or the school hallways without her mysteriously appearing with that patented blank expression on her face.
Another of Alice’s fun facts is what people call the “drench” factor. Whenever Alice goes swimming, she has to lay in a bowl of rice until she dries out, or she won’t be able to restart.
